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:*:I'm Not Confucious Reincarnated, So Spare Me:*:'s Journal
 
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in :*:I'm Not Confucious Reincarnated, So Spare Me:*:'s LiveJournal:

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Thursday, February 15th, 2001
4:47 am
*blinks* im all choked up cos you sent me a valentine.... and today i found out you have diabetes. the way i know you, you won't be taking very good care of yourself. so i keep praying you have angels to look over you. you push everyone away from caring about you, even yourself. sometimes i wonder what has you so afraid little boy. you may be my dad, but you're a little boy crying inside for someone to understand. how can anyone understand when you push and you push and you push. do you EVER pull? it takes more strength to pull, but its well worth it in the end. love you pop.
Sunday, February 11th, 2001
8:23 pm
Would you love me if I were NOT whole? I'm always struggling trying to find a way to make you love me. It seems like ever since I distanced myself from your put downs and your cold touch, you haven't much to say. Not even a simple I love you to your own daughter. Dad, I would starve myself for your acceptance. I would do anything in my power just to have you care about me. I know you care, but why are you so ill???? Why can't you tell me you're sorry for what you've done? I forgave you, but you never forgave me for being angry at you for so long. What kind of a human being are you when you haven't even the compassion to forgive me. Maybe I'm only guilty for one thing and one thing only: feeling. Tell me what it's like to not feel. Tell me what it's like to not regret all your mistakes. Wait, maybe you regret me. Maybe I am your mistake. Too bad you'll never read this. Even if you did, you would NEVER understand the pain and agony you put me through. I don't eat. I don't sleep. I cry. I scream. I can't even confront you, because I don't know who I would be confronting. What am I supposed to do with all this anger inside? Watch it kill me slowly? I love you dad. :(
Thursday, February 1st, 2001
4:03 pm
Oh yes... and my birthday is coming :D WATCH OUT!!!! I'm going to be 21 :X Geepers!
4:02 pm
You want to feel somebody? Valentine's Day is coming around. Maybe the best idea is to find a new way to love yourself if you haven't anyone to hold :) Mmm.... Dr Ruth has been knocked down by Dr Meg :D LOL.... just kidding :D It sounded fun :P
Tuesday, January 30th, 2001
1:57 am
POETRY.COM is a scam. TRUST ME >:| *growls*
Friday, January 26th, 2001
6:04 pm
I think I have an untouchable face. I believe my heart is fire and stones... always conflicting, and never winning. Deep down, I feel like a successful loser who's going to be a successful winner someday soon. What leaves me blank is lack of love shown to me. Although I know it deep inside of me.. I still question peoples love for me. Why backstab me when I show you my face. Can one not find the courage and dignity to say it to my face? Maybe my knives are sharper than theirs. However, I don't use mine. I know better than to break ones trust. Some people are so incredibly immature. Luckily I've learned. :| <3333
Tuesday, January 23rd, 2001
10:10 pm
If God wanted us all to be the same, wouldn't God have just used copy and paste over and over and over and over....
Saturday, January 20th, 2001
11:24 am
Life has been something like a really long Charlie Chaplin movie of late. It's all black and white, but with a twist. Lots of idiots out there as well if I might add. However I see this as a blessing in disguise. I can add my own colors to the picture. Maybe if I paint a rainbow a pot of gold will come knocking at my door. Then again, I'm a dreamer.
Friday, January 12th, 2001
10:33 am
You know... sometimes I feel like I'm all alone. This time I realize I am. Sometimes I wish I could find shelter within myself, but I am my own storm. I walk through the thunder, the rain, the hail the snow, the hurricanes and never once do I stop. I'm tired of waiting for everything to just vanish. My life is taking a stand FOR life. My heart often asks me "When you gonna love you as much as I do?" If that sounds familiar it's a Tori Amos song. I think I'm beginning to fulfill my hearts wish. After all, I'm still walking through the storms. How can I let myself down? It's not selfish when one is trying so desperately to get their life together as long as they don't forget there are still people who need them and there are still things that need to be done. I'm certainly not selfish :) But it's okay to be a wee bit selfish at times. I just hope I don't become what most of the world has become: ignorant, self centered fools with no compassion for those in need. Somehow, I know I can never become that. I've always been on the other side of the tracks anyways :) Toodles. <3333
Thursday, January 11th, 2001
12:15 am
YAY!!!! WOOHOO!!! *fakes standing ovation* aighty now... I'm writing a book :D One of those yummy Oprah's Book Club bestseller type books :D It's realistic, it's deep, it's simple. My kind of book!! I think this one is a big hit :D I've already had my poetry published. Now I'm working on a new road. I also decided after watching "Anatomy Of A Hate Crime: The Matthew Shepard Story" on MTV tonight that I will be volunteering for anti hate crime causes!!! I'm also getting really close to walking again... 100% and then some :D I'm so excited!!! I finally got out tonight and man it is beautiful!!! So many stars and the coyotes howling :D WOO!!! Okay that was a wonderful moment :) Things are getting better. Nothing's going to bring mw down now :) I know things can only go up from here. Those who try to deny me my right to fly, well... that's their issue :) Obviously they have the need to feel superior to me... but aren't we all equals? Even considering the circumstance of which I prefer not to discuss.... you know... the whole hate crime thing. It's truly sad. I cannot wait for the day when I can take hate crime articles out of a time capsule and show it to my grandchildren
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YAY!!!! WOOHOO!!! *fakes standing ovation* aighty now... I'm writing a book :D One of those yummy Oprah's Book Club bestseller type books :D It's realistic, it's deep, it's simple. My kind of book!! I think this one is a big hit :D I've already had my poetry published. Now I'm working on a new road. I also decided after watching "Anatomy Of A Hate Crime: The Matthew Shepard Story" on MTV tonight that I will be volunteering for anti hate crime causes!!! I'm also getting really close to walking again... 100% and then some :D I'm so excited!!! I finally got out tonight and man it is beautiful!!! So many stars and the coyotes howling :D WOO!!! Okay that was a wonderful moment :) Things are getting better. Nothing's going to bring mw down now :) I know things can only go up from here. Those who try to deny me my right to fly, well... that's their issue :) Obviously they have the need to feel superior to me... but aren't we all equals? Even considering the circumstance of which I prefer not to discuss.... you know... the whole hate crime thing. It's truly sad. I cannot wait for the day when I can take hate crime articles out of a time capsule and show it to my grandchildren <hoping I'll someday have kids of my own> and say... "this is the way the world used to be... aren't you glad hate crimes don't exist nowadays?" Like I always say, a girl can dream and no dream, no matter how out of reach it may seem, is impossible to accomplish. I'm going to bed now :) Toodles. <3333
Tuesday, January 9th, 2001
12:44 am
And I sit here on this early morn listening to the sound of my voice drop... why has my heart stopped believing I'll ever find someone who can put up with me? Why am I so afraid of my intuition strengthening? Why am I so afraid of me? Lightning has struck a million times more, but I'm one of the fortunate. I never burned. I'll always be just this and only this... somebody. Jibberish again? Most likely. Who can blame me though? The pain is never ending and I can't face reality today. I already had my share of tears in remembering the past. I need to face the past so I can move on to the future. I need to deal with my wounds. It's the only way *I* can find my peace. <33333
Wednesday, January 3rd, 2001
8:22 pm
I get so sick of gummy bear love. Find your favorite color in a bag and chew its head off... then find another and chew that ones head off... never finish the job. If you loved that gummy bear in the first place you would never have bit its head off. No wonder I always run from guys when they open the bag!!!! I'm just fed up with the gummy bear loving game. Grrrrr :| Something tells me in my heart to be patient and I am, for once, listening to that advice. It's not as if I haven't had visions of my wedding or anything. Whenever I have a vision it comes true... 99% of the time that is. Ahh well.... I know I'm going to have a great life. I don't need manipulative two-three-four-five-twelve timing jerks who put all the blame on me :) BADDDD LUCK so far... luckily I know there are still some great guys out there and when the right one opens the bag... I'll know it... cos he'll frame the gummy bears and make sure they never break :| It's not about food morons... what I'm talking about goes so much deeper than that. Read closely. Read repeatedly. Read til the sun isnt shining down on Earth anymore. :| I know you can relate. We're all gummy bears sometime. <3 Meg
Wednesday, December 27th, 2000
7:58 pm
BLAHHHHH.... okay so i fell down the stairs about a week ago, then i get sick with the flu and a sinus infection and something else really yucky that i can't say cos i hate toilets! so anyways :D today i end up biting my lip way too fricking hard and its bleeding and i sound like I *AM* sylvester the kitty cat that always chased poor tweetie.... ugh... my luck has frrrried. why why why dood? something has got to be coming my way thats GREAT I BEG FOR SOMETHING GREAT TO HAPPEN :D grrrr... okay forgive me im in a pissy mood and i know i gotta shut up... meanwhile my foot is all shades of the rainbow and bones are popping out! SCORE! I love being in pain *crosses fingers* totally shiesting ya bebes. HAPPY FRICKING HOLIDAYS!!! my pretty little resolution is: GROW DEEP. SOCIALIZE. BECOME HEALTHIER. BE NICER TO PEOPLE cos wowza was I a beotch :| *shakes her head* bad meg bad. *smirks* i'll contain myself from my dirty thoughts :D ciao <333333
Monday, December 11th, 2000
10:17 pm
It's not that often I sit here and am in total awe.... my depression is taking its toll on me again... chocolate covered potato chips... this is like flower disguised buffalo chips... im smiling cos im lying... to myself of course. if im honest, will i hurt myself?
Tuesday, November 21st, 2000
2:23 am
oooh laa laa baby.... alot has happened. im sick of the OH IM ROMEO MINUS THE MESS bullshutzpah... oh come on im sure he exists somewhere but honestly im rather sickened to my stomach with the liars :D *coughcough* so anyways, im giving a psychic reading right now... which i dont give to everyone who asks cos i have enough as it is, lol.... if people need to know, GOD WILL LET ME KNOW so I can tell them, but if not, screw it babe, you live you learn. EVEN I LIVE AND LEARN :P MUAH!!! <3 Meg
Saturday, November 11th, 2000
10:42 pm
I'm still waiting for Romeo minus the mess. I want him to just come somewhere out of the blue, look me in the eyes and take my breath away. I need him. I pray God the psychic was wrong when she said I'll be 60 when I fall in true love. I may have only one ovary, but I want kids someday. I want to have a family. I want the good life. For some, any life is good. For me, I want the simple kind of life. Just like the song by No Doubt. Where is Romeo minus the mess hiding anyways? I just want to feel his love. I need his love. He needs mine as well, hopefully... and together we'll be happy beyond forever. ~MegZ~ P.S. it's a full moon outside... I would expect a little love tonight :D <3333 11-11-00
Monday, November 6th, 2000
12:12 pm
:*~White Oleandars Are Not Heaven~*: 11-06-00 [ Today I see something I have never really fixated my eyes upon. Perhaps I let my eyes see for a moment or two, but I never truly looked as deeply in the past as I have today. Suddenly I feel like a great big grabage bag... wait, no... a huge dumpster... NOT EVEN THAT... a wasteland has been lifted off my ass and doesn't plan on coming back. I'll get an anti-wasteland watchdog or something. I don't feel as "held down" as I used to. I once had this problem with feeling as though I were some mistake of God's. Now I've come to the realization... that God does NOT make mistakes. Flowers aren't heaven. Chocolate isn't heaven. Sex isn't heaven
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:*~White Oleandars Are Not Heaven~*: 11-06-00 [ Today I see something I have never really fixated my eyes upon. Perhaps I let my eyes see for a moment or two, but I never truly looked as deeply in the past as I have today. Suddenly I feel like a great big grabage bag... wait, no... a huge dumpster... NOT EVEN THAT... a wasteland has been lifted off my ass and doesn't plan on coming back. I'll get an anti-wasteland watchdog or something. I don't feel as "held down" as I used to. I once had this problem with feeling as though I were some mistake of God's. Now I've come to the realization... that God does NOT make mistakes. Flowers aren't heaven. Chocolate isn't heaven. Sex isn't heaven <not that I'd know being that I'm a virgin -I never consented yadda yadda-> SOOOO... I say... self discovery is heaven. That's when you can reach deep down into your soul and be who you are without fear. Let alone, you can help others find their way too, through whatever you do. Never forget... you're not a mistake. ~*Meg*~ <3
Sunday, October 29th, 2000
4:41 am
Today is a rare day for me. Mum is out of town. I'm wishing I was out of town too. Guys keep saying I'm beautiful and all this god forsaken bullshutzpah. Maybe I'm not allowing any sunshine in on my blue roses, but isnt that my regret to be?
Saturday, September 16th, 2000
12:50 am
Give me time. Give me space. I need to find my place. -I know the wind blows the other way but I never was one to let the wind win me over-
12:38 am
Hang On Til The End%D
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Hang On Til The End%D<my point will be reached, you see.>%D%DTonight I was beautiful.... I was wearing my silver tierra and my black lipstick, black eyeliner, white ghosty powder <as if I could get any whiter> and all my silver jewels.... I was a Princess of Darkness... however I suddenly realized.... I'm sad. I don't know how to rid the sadness... as it is a difficult thing for me to accomplish demolishing. I'm not over my father being so ill. I'm not over being raped as a child. I'm not over being afraid of love. I'm not over my anger towards myself for being involved in drugs, alcohol and hurting others while I did so. I'm not over being beaten every day for showing the slightest bit of emotion. I'm not over almost dying so many times and nearly being murdered and all this other crap. I'm not over my "best friend" trading me off for drugs and telling me so many lies and stealing from me and trying to get me hooked on drugs <worked, but I wasn't all that strong... noone can make you do anything -unless it's abuse yadda yadda yadda->... I'm not over being diagnosed with my diseases <depression, post traumatic stress disorder, polycystic ovarian syndrome, borderline personality disorder aka girl interrupted, etc> I'm not over being used, cheated lied to..... and when I realized this... my tierra was suddenly no longer my crown.... it was my victory crown. Despite my not being over all these things.... I've stuck around. With love, the proper nurturing, respect, and having others believe in me... within recent years... I've come a long ways.... it's not easy. I know this. You know this. We all know this. All I have to say... is when you're feeling low and you feel like you're all alone... look at all your accomplishments.... as hard as it may be. You get out of bed. You shower. You eat. You sleep. You do whatever you can just to feel good. That's something we all need to learn to do. I personally believe that no matter who you are... no matter what circumstances you're living under... no matter how hard you think life is... that if you just look at yourself in a different light, everything will be alright. I just want all of you to know I love and believe in each of you. You are not alone. I may not understand your pain and you may not understand mine, but we all understand we're all in pain... and we all have our sadnesses. I'm proud of all of you for making it this far... I'll be praying <to MY God> that you'll make it through life just fine and live wonderfully, as you deserve. This is just a little of what I have to say, but I'm making this short and sweet as I possibly can. I LOVE ALL OF YOU. Please love yourselves. May your angels be with you.%D%DLove Always,%DMeg%D%DP.S. I want you all to know I'm here for you always. If you need me, although I may be quiet.... I'm here. Email me, call me, whatever you need to. Maybe I'm your angel too :) Maybe your mine :) Maybe everybody is eachother's angels.
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